I’m spinning. It’s the time of the year I am sure. My thoughts and feelings are jumbled up in my head; happiness and sadness, anticipation and disappointment, crowds and loneliness. This is the time of family traditions. It is also the time that we brood on traditions gone awry. We think about how our Christmas seasons, in fact all of our holidays, have changed since our heroes left us. We see light-hearted moods, joy and happiness, but we feel a sliver of our own happiness is gone and cannot be retrieved. For some suffering a recent loss, the holiday season becomes positively dismal. What is there to celebrate, after all? (more…)

Another birthday celebration came and went.  Rhys would have been 26 years old.  I have no idea how his face would have changed.  He is stuck at 20.  The day passed by like any other day except we went out to dinner at Chili’s.  Rhys liked to go there and we’ve continued the tradition for his birthday.

Understand that generally, Michael and I go through our days pretty normally, with occasional bouts of sadness thrown in.  But generally after 5 years, we think we’re doing okay.  Occasionally however, we get surprised.  That’s what happened to me this time.

We sat down, ordered our meal, and chatted.  When the meal came and we were going to pray, Michael asked me to say grace.  I started and all of a sudden I could barely finish.  I started to cry and even Michael asked me where that was all coming from.  “I don’t know,” I blubbered. (more…)

Is it possible to be happy and heartbroken at the same time?

Happy that my son is with Jesus; heartbroken that I will never see what his life here would have become.
Happy that I have a granddaughter that is the spitting image of my son in so many ways; heartbroken that she will only know her dad through stories and pictures. Happy that my son’s wife has found a new love and a new chapter; heartbroken that it seems like such a final chapter for me.

I think it is possible to have both of those emotions at the same time and that it is a true source of turmoil.

What do we do with the conflicting thoughts? How do we channel that confusion and turmoil into something positive? I think that I’ve discovered several things that can be done.

The first is to recognize that we have these inner conflicts and that they are not always neatly resolved in our heads. Yes, we can try to have logical arguments inside that neighborhood we call our mind, but that may only seem to cause more problems. Recognizing that there are no rules and solid solutions in matters of the heart is the first step. (more…)

As the third year anniversary of Rhys’ death approaches, I reflect on the year as all of us do; mostly trying to see if we’ve made any difference in the world. We hear and read daily about all kinds of horrible things that happen in the world. We lament the path our country is taking and we wonder what comes next.

We measure the time in intervals since Rhys’ death, an artificial time line that creeps into everything we do. It is easy to get discouraged when the year ends and still the world trudges on a path of fear, hatred, and uncertainty. What are we doing? Where are we going? Can anyone make a difference? (more…)