It’s been 2 years since my son was killed by an IED in Iraq. The overwhelming grief has been replaced by bits and pieces of sadness and loss, tucked away in private moments. The amazing thing is that after this time there are still the dreaded “places to avoid.” They are not places like the cemetery where Rhys is buried. That is a place I love to go, to quietly contemplate a short life, well-lived. They are not places like Rhys’ room, or his favorite restaurant, or any of the places he like to frequent. The dreaded places are not even in the company of his friends.

The places I avoid have to do with the notification of a sudden, unexpected death of someone most dear to your heart. (more…)

Guilt has seeped in to the deepest recesses of my person lately. Not because I’ve done something completely wrong, but because of gnawing jealousy. It is the oddest kind of jealousy; the kind that stirs when you are really trying so hard to be kind and joyful for someone else.

The jealousy comes when parents talk joyfully about their sons and daughters, whether they are very young or they are tentatively entering the world of adult responsibilities. I love to hear about the accomplishments, big and small but the jealousy begins like a sound in my ears, like the sound of trickling water. Could it be tears bubbling somewhere from within, rising to the surface and then painfully tamped down and carefully choked back? I think about my son and what he would be doing at this point in his life. I wonder about the pride and joy that I would be sharing with others, maybe oblivious to their pain at tragic circumstances in their lives. (more…)

I’m learning a lot about trust lately. So many messages I’ve listened to this week and so many passages I’ve read in the Bible have reminded me this week what trust in the Lord is all about.

Trusting in a plan we cannot see is hard. I don’t understand the plan where my son never reaches 21, where I never get to see him again, where he doesn’t get to hug his little girl. But seriously, if I understood everything about God, wouldn’t that make him a very small God? I am certainly not one of the brilliant minds in the universe, so my understanding of God and his plan would just put Him into the “man behind the curtain” category; no omniscience, no omnipresence, no omnipotence…just some guy behind the curtain.

But that is not our God! He sees everything. He orchestrates everything. His plan is perfect. And, He is so immense and immeasurable that we will never understand everything about Him while we are on this side of Heaven.

My plan would have controlled everything in my little world, a picture of my own selfish desires. That is, until something went wrong or the rest of the world intruded, and then I could only blame myself for forgetting about everyone else and how they fit in. My plan would only work if I was the only person in the universe and even then, I am quite sure I would screw it up after only a few hours. (more…)

Today I contemplated the flag; not just any flag – the American Flag. As the full sized stars and stripes fluttered on the early evening breeze in our backyard, I considered just what “Old Glory” means to me.

I remember learning the Pledge of Allegiance early on in grade school. We always said the Pledge and then we sang America the Beautiful. Every kid in school knew all of the words to both and although early on we had no idea what “allegiance” meant or why we were singing about a “fruited plain,” we all eventually figured it out.

The flag always held a special meaning, although I’m not sure I ever realized how special the US flag was until Rhys joined the military. Somewhere along the line, the flag became just a routine item in the landscape, its true significance lost in the business of living. In fact, for most of my adult life I don’t remember the flag’s comfortable presence on streets throughout America, certainly not here in California.

Then came September 11, 2001. The flags went up everywhere. Those of us lulled into the comfort that is America woke up. The American flag truly symbolized a national spirit again. It symbolized the fighting, patriotic spirit that built America. It was an awesome thing to behold. (more…)