Is it possible to be happy and heartbroken at the same time?

Happy that my son is with Jesus; heartbroken that I will never see what his life here would have become.
Happy that I have a granddaughter that is the spitting image of my son in so many ways; heartbroken that she will only know her dad through stories and pictures. Happy that my son’s wife has found a new love and a new chapter; heartbroken that it seems like such a final chapter for me.

I think it is possible to have both of those emotions at the same time and that it is a true source of turmoil.

What do we do with the conflicting thoughts? How do we channel that confusion and turmoil into something positive? I think that I’ve discovered several things that can be done.

The first is to recognize that we have these inner conflicts and that they are not always neatly resolved in our heads. Yes, we can try to have logical arguments inside that neighborhood we call our mind, but that may only seem to cause more problems. Recognizing that there are no rules and solid solutions in matters of the heart is the first step. (more…)

As I drove along the freeway to work one day, I noticed a group of young people in a car bearing a peace symbol on the window. I wondered to myself what kind of statement that symbol was intended to make.

Was it a somewhat naive expression of a feeling that we should all “just get along?” Is it an avowed expression of “peace at all costs?” Is it a statement that war is wrong? Do the people who post a peace symbol truly have a depth of understanding about the statement they are making?

I understand the desire for peace. What human being doesn’t want peace? But peace is obtained at a price. And, despite the cost, history proves peace is never a permanent state. My son was a soldier. He fought for peace and at a cost no mother wants to pay. General Douglas MacArthur said it best: “The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.”

It is true; no soldier wants to go to war. But what the soldier understands is that there are values worth fighting for and one of those values is the dignity of human life whether it is here in America or it is somewhere else on the globe.

Do we become less tolerant of behavioral quirks in others after we’ve lost our hero? Are we less willing to overlook those annoying foibles in others and just exclaim “get over it already?”

Why is it we feel like this? I think there are two reasons.

a. We resent people telling us to “get over it” so we transfer that resentment to someone else. Didn’t Jesus say, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:3-5

How many times did people ask you if you were over your grief or if you had moved on yet? Besides being annoying, that question was simply a reminder of how much our lives have changed. We don’t get over it or move on. We move forward while living a new type of normal. Nothing will ever be the same again. But it is up to us to work through the pain and the adjustments. The whole situation cannot be blamed on anyone else. We cannot be so critical of each other that we forget each one of us has something we are trying to work through, whether it is grief, anger, addiction, or whatever. We need to give each other a break! More importantly, we each have a contribution to make to this world, no matter how large or small. Everyone has value. (more…)

Family relationships are always hard but even more so after the loss of your hero. Whether that hero was your son, your daughter, a sibling, or a spouse, that death will deeply affect your relationships with the rest of the family.

The first year of grief generally separates the wheat from the chaff. Relationships may change dramatically. Some family members, so at a loss for words, will slowly drift away, unable to understand, unable to initiate a conversation, and fearful of what your response will be.

The passage of time reveals the deeper cracks in once comfortable relationships. Family members, once supportive, cannot understand decisions you now make in your life. They wonder why you choose to take a path that may diverge from one previously planned.

Here is the deal. Unless you have experienced that deep, gut wrenching grief, you will never understand the way it affects the lives of the survivors.

I had a path. It was one I chose; one of those decisions we make day in and day out throughout our lives. It involved a considerable sacrifice of time and of money. Friends and family encouraged me along the way. Then came that moment; the call in the middle of a freeway commute delivering the worst news of my life. Everything changed in that instant. (more…)