It’s been 2 years since my son was killed by an IED in Iraq. The overwhelming grief has been replaced by bits and pieces of sadness and loss, tucked away in private moments. The amazing thing is that after this time there are still the dreaded “places to avoid.” They are not places like the cemetery where Rhys is buried. That is a place I love to go, to quietly contemplate a short life, well-lived. They are not places like Rhys’ room, or his favorite restaurant, or any of the places he like to frequent. The dreaded places are not even in the company of his friends.

The places I avoid have to do with the notification of a sudden, unexpected death of someone most dear to your heart.

Michael called me while I was driving very early in the morning on a freeway to get to a job. I thought it very odd that he would call me so early in the morning when normally he was still enjoying a warm bed. He casually asked me where I was and could I safely pull over to the side of the freeway for a second. It was LA traffic after all, but as I carefully made my way to the shoulder in the midst of the traffic, I heard Michael say, “It’s about Rhys.” My heart leapt to my throat as I pictured Rhys injured or maimed, my mind racing as to how we would get to him, how bad was it, what was expected. I stopped on the shoulder and asked, “What is it?” I will never forget that moment. “Our baby is dead,” Michael breathed.

That spot, that freeway, near the exit where I had to suddenly turn around is a place I try to avoid. I can’t completely avoid it of course, but it is definitely high on my list.

There are others, all of which have to do with that day, week, and month in time when life took a cruel and tragic turn. We cannot always avoid those places that suddenly bring that moment back as though it occurred only a moment ago. But it is best I think, to recognize the reasons that certain places bother us still, and to realize that this too is part of the healing journey we make. It is, I think, okay to avoid those places and not offer an explanation to anyone as to why we do.

As time passes, the desire to avoid a place may also pass. But the time for that decision if it comes at all, is entirely on one’s own timetable. Everything will ultimately fall into place exactly when it is supposed to. Until then, we journey onward.

Guilt has seeped in to the deepest recesses of my person lately. Not because I’ve done something completely wrong, but because of gnawing jealousy. It is the oddest kind of jealousy; the kind that stirs when you are really trying so hard to be kind and joyful for someone else.

The jealousy comes when parents talk joyfully about their sons and daughters, whether they are very young or they are tentatively entering the world of adult responsibilities. I love to hear about the accomplishments, big and small but the jealousy begins like a sound in my ears, like the sound of trickling water. Could it be tears bubbling somewhere from within, rising to the surface and then painfully tamped down and carefully choked back? I think about my son and what he would be doing at this point in his life. I wonder about the pride and joy that I would be sharing with others, maybe oblivious to their pain at tragic circumstances in their lives. (more…)

I’m learning a lot about trust lately. So many messages I’ve listened to this week and so many passages I’ve read in the Bible have reminded me this week what trust in the Lord is all about.

Trusting in a plan we cannot see is hard. I don’t understand the plan where my son never reaches 21, where I never get to see him again, where he doesn’t get to hug his little girl. But seriously, if I understood everything about God, wouldn’t that make him a very small God? I am certainly not one of the brilliant minds in the universe, so my understanding of God and his plan would just put Him into the “man behind the curtain” category; no omniscience, no omnipresence, no omnipotence…just some guy behind the curtain.

But that is not our God! He sees everything. He orchestrates everything. His plan is perfect. And, He is so immense and immeasurable that we will never understand everything about Him while we are on this side of Heaven.

My plan would have controlled everything in my little world, a picture of my own selfish desires. That is, until something went wrong or the rest of the world intruded, and then I could only blame myself for forgetting about everyone else and how they fit in. My plan would only work if I was the only person in the universe and even then, I am quite sure I would screw it up after only a few hours. (more…)