I had an epiphany the other day. It happened I think when I was speaking with some other Gold Star Families. I suddenly realized that it’s not about me! You may chuckle to yourself when I say that because we all would like to think everything that happens is about us. Galatians 6:3 says “For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself.”

But what I realized is that the loss of our hero makes us uniquely qualified to reach out to others who are hurting. All we need is a servant’s heart. We should be “bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, with goodwill doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good anyone does, he will receive the same from the Lord, whether he is a slave or free.” (Ephesians 6:6-8). We each have a story to share that connects us with others who are fearful or sorrowful. We can truly say to someone, “I understand the personal pain, I’ve been there.” But we can also say that we’ve made it to the other side of the valley. We can make ourselves available to share, to hold, to hug, or to sit in silence. We get it.

I challenge all of those who are in this position not to forget your hero, not to minimize the sadness, but to consider that so many others can be served. So many people are lost and struggling. You were made for a time such as this. You can make a difference.

Do we become less tolerant of behavioral quirks in others after we’ve lost our hero? Are we less willing to overlook those annoying foibles in others and just exclaim “get over it already?”

Why is it we feel like this? I think there are two reasons.

a. We resent people telling us to “get over it” so we transfer that resentment to someone else. Didn’t Jesus say, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:3-5

How many times did people ask you if you were over your grief or if you had moved on yet? Besides being annoying, that question was simply a reminder of how much our lives have changed. We don’t get over it or move on. We move forward while living a new type of normal. Nothing will ever be the same again. But it is up to us to work through the pain and the adjustments. The whole situation cannot be blamed on anyone else. We cannot be so critical of each other that we forget each one of us has something we are trying to work through, whether it is grief, anger, addiction, or whatever. We need to give each other a break! More importantly, we each have a contribution to make to this world, no matter how large or small. Everyone has value. (more…)

Family relationships are always hard but even more so after the loss of your hero. Whether that hero was your son, your daughter, a sibling, or a spouse, that death will deeply affect your relationships with the rest of the family.

The first year of grief generally separates the wheat from the chaff. Relationships may change dramatically. Some family members, so at a loss for words, will slowly drift away, unable to understand, unable to initiate a conversation, and fearful of what your response will be.

The passage of time reveals the deeper cracks in once comfortable relationships. Family members, once supportive, cannot understand decisions you now make in your life. They wonder why you choose to take a path that may diverge from one previously planned.

Here is the deal. Unless you have experienced that deep, gut wrenching grief, you will never understand the way it affects the lives of the survivors.

I had a path. It was one I chose; one of those decisions we make day in and day out throughout our lives. It involved a considerable sacrifice of time and of money. Friends and family encouraged me along the way. Then came that moment; the call in the middle of a freeway commute delivering the worst news of my life. Everything changed in that instant. (more…)

As I watched another Gold Star parent crumple into tears while listening to a Dad of another fallen soldier tell of his own loss, I wondered to myself, “how can I help someone who is so lost in grief?” Aren’t we comforted so that we are able to comfort others? How can we actively pursue that goal in a loving and empathetic manner?

I will start by saying that once you have personally experienced a devastating loss you are uniquely qualified to empathize with someone going through that type of loss. That is why we cry when we hear another person’s story. That is why we are so heavy hearted when we see the Patriot Guard escorting another hero home. That is why we are so quick to hug. That is also why we can assure someone that it will get better over time and that while we can’t “move on,” we can at least move forward.

God tells us that we can help. We can stand together with those who need encouragement and they are able to stand with us or with someone else. “Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, “Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come and save you.”” Isaiah 35:3-4 (more…)