It’s been 2 years since my son was killed by an IED in Iraq. The overwhelming grief has been replaced by bits and pieces of sadness and loss, tucked away in private moments. The amazing thing is that after this time there are still the dreaded “places to avoid.” They are not places like the cemetery where Rhys is buried. That is a place I love to go, to quietly contemplate a short life, well-lived. They are not places like Rhys’ room, or his favorite restaurant, or any of the places he like to frequent. The dreaded places are not even in the company of his friends.

The places I avoid have to do with the notification of a sudden, unexpected death of someone most dear to your heart. (more…)

Guilt has seeped in to the deepest recesses of my person lately. Not because I’ve done something completely wrong, but because of gnawing jealousy. It is the oddest kind of jealousy; the kind that stirs when you are really trying so hard to be kind and joyful for someone else.

The jealousy comes when parents talk joyfully about their sons and daughters, whether they are very young or they are tentatively entering the world of adult responsibilities. I love to hear about the accomplishments, big and small but the jealousy begins like a sound in my ears, like the sound of trickling water. Could it be tears bubbling somewhere from within, rising to the surface and then painfully tamped down and carefully choked back? I think about my son and what he would be doing at this point in his life. I wonder about the pride and joy that I would be sharing with others, maybe oblivious to their pain at tragic circumstances in their lives. (more…)

I’m learning a lot about trust lately. So many messages I’ve listened to this week and so many passages I’ve read in the Bible have reminded me this week what trust in the Lord is all about.

Trusting in a plan we cannot see is hard. I don’t understand the plan where my son never reaches 21, where I never get to see him again, where he doesn’t get to hug his little girl. But seriously, if I understood everything about God, wouldn’t that make him a very small God? I am certainly not one of the brilliant minds in the universe, so my understanding of God and his plan would just put Him into the “man behind the curtain” category; no omniscience, no omnipresence, no omnipotence…just some guy behind the curtain.

But that is not our God! He sees everything. He orchestrates everything. His plan is perfect. And, He is so immense and immeasurable that we will never understand everything about Him while we are on this side of Heaven.

My plan would have controlled everything in my little world, a picture of my own selfish desires. That is, until something went wrong or the rest of the world intruded, and then I could only blame myself for forgetting about everyone else and how they fit in. My plan would only work if I was the only person in the universe and even then, I am quite sure I would screw it up after only a few hours. (more…)

Another Gold Star mom recently sent me this link to a song that is so great. Sometimes the simplest explanations of God are the most reassuring. We sometimes lose sight of how basic God’s love for us is. This gal brings it home for us. Watch and listen and I’m sure you will agree.
Lynn

The build-up was big! London’s 2nd birthday! And it was the event of the month. There were lots of people, lots of food, and that amazing Minnie Mouse cake that Grandpa Mike decorated. Talk about presents! London will be the best dressed two year old with the greatest toys; Barbie, the Barbie Jeep, Barbie’s new outfit, books, clothes, games.

It was a great party. The only thing missing was Rhys. He would have loved this kind of thing. I am sure Rhys would have been busy shuttling between photo opportunities and making sure all of London’s toys were properly put together and functional. He probably would have made London model a new outfit or two. He might have told Michael, “Hey Dad, great decorating job. Ever considered a career in cake decorating? He He.”

But once again, the joy of the day is intermingled with a sadness that one can’t quite explain. No outsider would understand. It’s a feeling that you can’t quite put your finger on. For me, it became a rising sense that somehow I was just observing the event, wondering what Rhys would have been doing. I held back the tears that were so close to the surface and realized once again how much I miss my son.

I feel as though life is being lived in front of me but I am stuck on some plane of life where time is frozen, just like my son’s life. It is often just like looking through a window. I realize the people I am seeing are a part of my life but I still can’t touch them. They are so close, only a pane of glass away, but the physical connection is not there.

I’m not sure Michael feels the same way I do, but I do know that for both of us, we often feel as though we are only on the fringes of a life that was meant to be so much part of the fabric of our lives. We realize that this is one of the tougher work assignments in life. Perhaps the lesson in all of this is that anything worth having is something that is worth working for. A close relationship with our granddaughter is something we want very much and we will work at. We hope that as she gets older she will understand where we fit into the picture and will want to know more about Rhys’ life. We pray that we can always be close in distance and relationship. We pray too, that we can share with London the joy of life that Rhys had. London already has her Dad’s smile and laugh. It is almost like seeing him as a toddler again.

I trust that the Lord gave Rhys a glimpse of his progeny. And Rhys is now aware of London’s path in life. Stephanie is teaching London the way she should go. So we wait on the Lord and trust He will make our path straight. And as Joseph said to his brothers in Egypt, “what you meant for evil, God meant for good.” Rhys’ death will work to God’s purpose and His purpose will be good. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11